There’s no owner’s manual. There are no roadmaps, no crash courses, and no “dummy’s” guides. Parenting is arguably the single most universal challenge that is unique to each and every individual. As parents, we can prepare as much as we think we are able to, and talk to every person we know who has even the most remote idea of what we are getting into, but we will still never be truly ready for all of the nuanced hurdles that come with parenthood.
The hard reality is that the transition from an individual to a parent is something that will change our DNA for the remainder of our lives. With this transition, we are confronted with the reality that we are assuming a particular role in whatever family dynamic we are a part of. For mothers, this role has been established, debated, and refined for centuries. The relationship between birthing mothers and their children is perhaps the most sacred connection that exists in human nature. Likewise, the pregnancy and birthing process is also one of the most intense and painful processes we as humans can experience. The burdens that mothers are responsible for seem almost unending. Nutrition, doctor’s office visits, ultrasounds, birthing classes, family resources (if any), birthing plans, hospital selection, breastfeeding, sleep training… the list goes on, and that’s merely the “conventional” family format. To say that mothers are burdened with basically every factor in the wellness of their child’s life is hard to debate.
One question that is frequently debated is this…
What about Dad?
Fathers and non-birthing individuals in a family seem to get glossed over in the conversation of pregnancy and childbirth, but is that fair?
There’s an age-old expression that “Parenting is only hard for good parents”. While that might not perfectly encapsulate every single family on the planet, there is some truth to it. The fact is that fathers and other non-birthing parents often feel massive amounts of pressure to provide for their families financially and foster the critical paternal bond with their child, often against almost insurmountable adversity. After all, the United States in particular is not exactly designed for both parents to stay home from work and support each other and their family. Countless fathers have had to endure their children and partners begging them not to go to work so they can spend time with their families. Yet, when push comes to shove, the bills must be paid, and resources still need to be provided, right? Sadly, the mere suggestion that fathers and non-birthing parents might require self-care and psychological support feels taboo somehow.
In particular, both men and women require social and psychological support in order to live balanced, healthy lives. Dr. Dan Singley, founder of the Center for Men’s Excellence, has dedicated his career to enhancing awareness of men’s mental health issues. When it comes to addressing social support health for men and non-birthing partners, Dr. Singley supports the idea that “Men and all people can struggle with isolation, even when surrounded by people. “Having appropriate social connections is a ‘have to have', not a ‘nice to have', in terms of optimizing your psychological well-being". To that end, all human beings require more than one other individual to meet their social and psychological needs. In fact, Dr. Singley argues that a minimum of 4 other positive relationships that are not your partner are required in this area.
So, how can men and non-birthing parents make sure they are meeting these seemingly impossible criteria? After all, when we take away the daily responsibilities of being present for our children, seeking and maintaining dependable job security, and the countless other tasks we must account for, there is not much time left in the day. To make matters worse, anxiety-driven avoidance can prevent men from seeking new interactions or relationships. When and how are we supposed to take care of ourselves so that we can better take care of the ones we love?
Here are some tips that can help fathers and non-birthing parents adjust to life with children and families.
Understand that friendships and relationships change as we get older. The peer relationships that we may have enjoyed so freely in high school and college age naturally taper as the responsibilities of life progress. It’s no secret that impromptu trips to the bar, buying tickets to a game on a whim, or opportunities to plan a road trip are likely not going to be conducive to supporting work and family. Knowing this, it is still critical that we take the time and effort to make plans anyway. Maybe it looks more like meeting up with a friend or two for coffee for an hour. Maybe it means you go and talk about anything but the kids for a brief, fixed period of time. Just remember that the difficult stages of childhood development do not last forever, and you will gradually return to having some independence.
Seek meaning. While it is easy for so many parents to “live for the kids”, we are individuals too. We can and should still have ambitions and goals for ourselves. We may not be able to immediately start running full-speed into a new passion, but it is helpful to make initial plans and lay the groundwork for our future hobbies, passions, etc. It might not be right now, but our days in the sun will come again!
Rest. The importance of rest is something that cannot be overstated. If we can’t hold the umbrella up, everyone is going to get rained on. This means getting a MINIMUM of 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep at some point every day and understanding that we need to advocate for ourselves sometimes to make this happen. The early stages of childhood are the hardest on parental sleep patterns, but BOTH parents need rest. As our children get older and their sleep patterns become more consistent, the hours of sleep we achieve should also increase accordingly.
We all want to be the best parents we can for our children. It's time to normalize paternal perinatal wellness and allow ourselves to be healthy. We aren’t being selfish. We aren’t neglecting your family. We are showing up for ourselves, so we are able to show up for the ones who need us.
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